Free at Last

Sheesh! Had I known I would feel this great about homeschooling I would have done it full out without a glance back six weeks ago instead of trying the charter school!  But it sure has been a powerful learning experience.  And of course I did learn some great things and obtain some great resources from the charter school.  But WOW! Oh how I love KNOWING that what I am doing is right! I know this is the right choice for me right now. It is still taking time for a lot of the shackles on the mind to fall off and continue 'unschooling' or 'getting off the conveyor belt'. It has only been two weeks, after all, and no I don't have all the answers yet nor even any very specific plans.  But I can feel the hand of the Lord so strong.  Tiny little thoughts, little negative thoughts that used to eat at me, now just roll off my back and I just think "It's all going to be okay". It's okay if I'm not perfect.  It's okay if I'm not identical to 'that' mom.  Doing my personal best really is the best. It is so empowering to have the Lord on your side.

Something that I guess shouldn't surprise me, but that I wasn't really expecting, is how close Cowboy and I are already - how much this has strengthened our mother-son relationship.  Also how happy and comfortable he is with it all.  I mean that was a really great school he was in and he had made a lot of friends.  It really was a difficult choice for me and of course how he would feel about it all was my number one concern.  But I finally got to the point where I just couldn't deny any longer what I knew I had to do.  He felt that and he knows that and I was able to share that with him enough that he trusts me. I'm really grateful for that.

Why? Why did I pull my son out of a perfectly-great-hard-to-get-into-charter-Montessori school so that I could homeschool?  Well, I hope it is pretty clear already that it is because I FELT so strongly that I should that I couldn't deny it anymore.  Specifically, though, at the kindergarten orientation I prayed very hard that I would feel peace if this was the right option for him and us.  I did not. Frankly, I felt pretty sick.  I could not mentally figure out why this could possibly NOT be the right option, so I explained away that sick feeling as a few other things: sending a kid away for the first time, worry about hubby missing more work than we had planned that day to watch the younger kids, insecurity/not knowing what to do right then, etc. etc. And went ahead with his beginning at the school.  Unfortunately there was a six week waiting period until parents were allowed into the school to observe.  Not that it was necessarily the observation itself that caused me to change my mind.  On the contrary, the observation revealed nothing I disliked about the school, teacher, or classmates.  It simply led into the conversations with my mom and husband that eventually helped me (and them) realize how much I really did want to homeschool and how much I really KNEW that I should.  But maybe that six weeks wasn't so unfortunate.  Maybe I really just needed that time.  Maybe I really did need to feel that insecure and unsure for that period of time to have those feelings to contrast against how I am feeling now.  The longer experiences are the harder they are to forget sometimes.  It also seems like a bit more of an aware choice.  I know exactly what he is missing out on.  And I'm still okay with it.

And then of course there is all sorts of new philosophy and understanding and views I have now on education that have been part of this whole study journey of the last year or two.  Yes, even my homeschooling method is going to be pretty nonconventional.  I'm definitely going to be doing Thomas Jefferson Education (TJED), a.k.a. Leadership Education.  A few key points are: People educate themselves.  No one can educate someone else.  People often educate themselves when they are inspired by someone else to do so - someone else who is educating herself. CHILDREN need to focus the first years of their life on learning right and wrong, good and bad, true and false.  Anything else is simply a means of teaching those three ideas.  If focus is put in the wrong areas it becomes a distraction to that child developing their CORE values.  And learning is awesome! Seriously!  It should not be forced, treated as drudgery, contrived, ruined...

So, I'm just really happy.  Life is good.  I will hopefully be getting around to posting some more details and experiences and truth (because it really is helpful to me to put thoughts into written words), but I might just be pretty busy loving my kids and learning.

What are we aiming for?

I'm just going to accept the fact that my blog posts are never going to be like the organized, thought out, flowing and connected posts a lot of us are used to reading.  I hope you can accept that, too.  It will probably just be snippets here and there about some of the stuff I'm learning on my path to help my children gain their own educations.

Here is an interesting couple of lists.  Which one are you aiming for with your kids and what kind of educational atmosphere do they line up with for you?

Type A
rote thinking
conformity
fitting in
submissive obedience to superiors
memorized "correct" answers
clique socialization
employee mentality

Type B
great lessons of history
classics in all fields
abilities/skills of creativity
ingenuity
independent/analytical thinking
persuasive communication
artistic/technological innovation
entrepreneurial initiative
service and leadership

I hope I can create the best combination of homeschooling, charter schooling, public schooling, etc. to help each of my kids in their own individual way learn what, how and when they need to.

Homeschooling

I am going to home-school my kids.  I may or may not send my oldest Cowboy to a charter Montessori school this Fall in addition to homeschooling.  He will be old enough for kindergarten.  I had never considered any alternative forms of education such as charter schools or homeschooling until it came to sending my very own first child off to someone else's tutelage. I guess I thought about it because I am slowly learning to think about things before just jumping in and following what the crowd automatically does in most situations.  (See previous posts on birthing options).  Yes, it is sort of sad that it has taken me until well into my twenties to REALLY start thinking this way.  I guess I have always had a thread of non-conventionalism, but now it is becoming a little more research-based and prayerful. 
This is actually one of the reasons I am so passionately interested in home-schooling: I would like my own children to REALLY start thinking earlier than I did.  I find it a whole lot easier to obtain my own individualized, valuable education now that all that schooling is out of the way (high school diploma, bachelor's degree).  I feel so behind.  My mind is constantly blown lately with how much there is to learn out there.  I can't read enough books.  I feel like I am constantly starving for knowledge.  It is awesome!  Learning is the most amazing, powerful, singularly important thing in this life.
I am so, so grateful that in the frazzled search of "Which school can I send my innocent, amazing firstborn to?" where this whole thing all began, that someone happened to introduce me to a lady who home schools her children and she 'happened' to say one of the most powerful statements I have ever heard: "That book changed my life."  And she was willing to let me borrow that book.  What book?  "A Thomas Jefferson Education", by Oliver DeMille.

Much more to come.

After Thoughts Part 2

So I named the last post "after thought part 1", intending to write more later... I have been racking my brain trying to remember what it was I was planning to post.  This may be the first post where I am completely making it up as I go, with no real plan.  The one thing that has kept coming to my mind that I have been wanting to share is this:

 Yes, it hurt.  But that's OKAY! There are worse things in life than physical pain.

And, yes, I suppose there are worse things than putting your baby and yourself at risk of serious medical complications by simply (and naively) doing everything the doctors and nurses suggest.  That comment was more for me than you, by the way, as I really do need to keep telling myself it is okay that not everyone chooses natural birth.  It is kind of crazy how passionate I am about the whole thing.  How difficult it is for me to hear stories about c-sections and being induced.  How I literally feel sick to my stomach hearing about someone mention they got an epidural without even attempting it without.  I kind of wonder, like, why do I care so much?  I know I am being way too real now, but really, why does it bother me so much that some lady I don't even know got an epidural simply because she was bored and uncomfortable sitting in the hospital bed.  Why am I really, really hoping my dear friend in Payson can pull off a VBAC and not get a repeat cesarean and another one in SLC can get the home birth she wants.  I guess it would have to be one of two things.  Either I want everyone to attempt natural birth to prove me right and to be like me (although, of course, I have always been the type that rather likes being the one-of-a-kind oddball - and of course just because everyone does something does not make it right) OR because I really, really do feel like more women should be attempting natural birth, that women are much more capable than they realize and that women are robbing themselves of amazing, life-changing experiences.  In other words, I want to tell everyone what I wish someone would have told me before I had cowboy.  No, this whole thing is not about regret.  Cowboy's birth is over, he is four year's old now and perfectly healthy.  And it really doesn't even bother me a ton how his birth went (anymore).  But I guess it comes down to the choice between good and great, or between tolerable and empowering.

Back to the "what I wish someone would have told me":  I think if someone would have said "You should have a natural birth for the health of yourself and your baby"  I don't think it would have done a thing.  It wouldn't have been enough.  After all, I did walk into that hospital with baby number one intending to "try it without the epidural", but of course gave in after a few minutes of pain. Probably what I needed to hear was "You CAN have a natural birth and it will be the best thing for you and your baby".

So this is what I have been wanting to tell all of you: YOU CAN DO IT!  You can give it your whole-hearted best shot.  If in the end that turns out to be 16 hours of intense labor followed by an epidural, then good for you for that 16 hours, that is an amazing gift to your baby that you will be glad you gave him.  If it means waiting just one more day (or even two more weeks) as a humongous, horribly uncomfortable 9 months pregnant ornery mom until you go into labor naturally instead of getting induced, then that is exactly the time your baby needed to prepare for one of the hardest events of their life.  You are telling them "It's up to you, my child.  Your being fully ready is more important to me than my comfort or schedule".

So, read, study, research your options because it IS a big deal.  Your babies are a big deal and it is worth the effort - you need to know what you are really risking here.  Do the best you can... and then some, because the best you can is WAY more than you can imagine.

After thoughts part 1

Little Johnny Cash is one month old today.

Most of the reason I chose to give birth at home was to insure having a completely natural birth. At this point I believe nearly the only ways to have a natural birth are to either have a home birth or have a doula. If I had thought it certain for me to have a natural birth in the hospital (again), I would have birthed in the hospital. But I didn't think I could do it. I know myself to not be good at saying no - thought it would be too easy for the doctor/nurses to talk me into Pitocin, breaking water, etc. I also thought it would be hard for me to resist the epidural offer every ten minutes with it being 'right around the corner'. (Though, yes, of course I know how dangerous and bad for the baby and mom the epidural is, but wasn't sure how my reasoning would change in the heat of labor).
So the funny thing is that I never once desired an epidural. By the time I was in basically "unbearable" pain I was pushing - or maybe it is better to say that the pushing is what caused the unbearable pain. So the epidural wouldn't have helped anyway.
And also, surprisingly, the most awesome part about the birth turned out to be the location: Home. It really was SO nice to be home. I am not sure why I hadn't expected that. Before I would've gone to a birth center had there been any within a half hour of here, but that wasn't an option. Now, even if I did live next door to a birthing center, I would totally choose a home birth again. I think a lot of it had to do with how comfortable hubby was. It is hard to imagine him being that attentive and right by my side the whole time had we been in a hospital. One of my favorite parts of the labor was that first hour or so, that otherwise would have been spent driving to, checking in, and settling into the hospital. It was just Hubby and I and that was a simple, quiet, excited time - where I knew "this is it", but we just got to be together and relax. He was also just as comfortable with the midwife and her assistant as I was so that he still hugged and massaged and did whatever I needed him to do without hesitancy. (Plus the midwife really knew what she was doing and could show him how).

The Birth Story!

Hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. I will describe birth one, Cowboy's, as being a whole lot of work, but no pain and the second birth, Lady's, as a whole lot of pain, but no work. Well, double the amount of work exerted at Cowboy's birth and double the amount of pain experienced at Lady's birth, and then add a little more of each and that is about how this birth went. I am writing this as soon after the birth as possible since the 'bad' memories fade so quickly and I have already gone from thinking "I will never have children again" to "Well, maybe one more...in at least three years". And now that I have this gorgeous little boy in my arms and he is so perfectly healthy and I am recovering so quickly, I am already thinking "it was totally worth it".

Ok, from the start. On September 5th (this being significant for several reasons: was his actual due date, was 'labor' day, and is the 5th day of the month, which makes everyone in our family either born on the 5th day of the month or during the 5th month/May) - anyway, on this day, I woke up about 2am with contractions that actually had a little kick to them, unlike the painless ones I had been feeling for the last 7 weeks off and on. And these were about 5 to 10 minutes apart and were not going away. I woke up hubby around 3a.m. and said "I am going to call the midwife". He got up and started sterilizing the bathroom and bedroom and going cleaning crazy :). I called the midwife and left her a message, figured I would call her again in a half hour or so, if she didn't call back. She has never not answered her phone before. She called back about 4a.m. and got here by 4:30, having been at another birth all night and was coming strait from it. When her assistant got here around 5:00 we made her go take a nap. My contractions were getting pretty intense and more like 3 to 5 minutes apart. Hubby was totally awesome and rubbing my lower back exactly right so that the contractions were totally bearable. Both midwives helped a ton, too. Around 7:00 they were pretty bad so I tried the shower, which was amazing and made those contractions totally bearable - though it may have worked a little too well because the contractions seemed to lessen in intensity and get farther apart.

Well, the midwife told me I needed to try pushing a little with each contraction and that is when things got really, really hard for me. That hurt like crazy and took a whole lot of effort. I could only think of one contraction at a time. It was really frustrating because I didn't feel like the pushing was doing anything and wasn't even sure why I had to push then anyway. With Lady I only had to push twice and she came right out - I did have to push for an hour and half with Cowboy, but had blamed that on the Epidural and his ginormous head. One thing I had really not wanted to do became inevitable - she had to break my water. The baby was not moving down at all. I had my water broken with my other two children and she explained that our bodies have a memory and perhaps my body was not going to get back a certain point until my water was broken. (and it was actually pretty difficult for her to rupture it, so I guess my bag is made of neoprene or something :). Well I kept nudging this baby down for the next hour or two, it seemed like one microscopic increment at a time. Finally after pushing harder than I am sure is physically possible and it felt like my head was going to pop off, his head came out and that was the biggest relief of my life and hubby said "I can see his head! I can see his two little eyes!" and then out came the rest of the baby. I was kneeling on the bed. I really wanted to hold him and could tell right away that it was a boy. But it took a little maneuvering to get around to sitting so I could hold him.

My mom was in the next room with the kids and said as soon as they heard the baby crying she couldn't hold them back any longer and they burst in the room to meet their new little brother. It was Cowboy's job to tell everyone whether it was a boy or a girl, so hubby said "come in and tell us if it's a boy or a girl" and before he even got to the baby, he said, "It's Johnny Cash" in such a matter-of-fact way, like, "duh! That is what I have been telling you the whole time, that it's a boy". They were so cute and so in awe of this brand new baby, so euphoric. Hubby was on the verge of tears. I was relieved beyond reason, and so, so happy to hold this little baby. He was so perfect and precious and sweet and special...and still is :)

The placenta came out and we left the cord attached until it stopped pulsing, maybe 15 minutes or so. A lot of people keep it or bury it or even eat it, but I decided against those so the midwives just took care of it. I tore a little and the midwife proficiently sewed me up. I also finally researched circumcision and have decided that it is a completely unnecessary medical procedure, comparable to plastic surgery. So this lucky little guy won't have to have a horrid painful operation to welcome him the day after he enters this world. He ate right away. I got to hold him and hold him and hold him some more. Eventually we weighed him at 8 pounds 13 ounces and 21 and 3/4 inches long!

It was so great to be right at home during the whole labor and afterwards when my whole family just got to soak up this little angel strait from Heaven. It was really awesome. A really special time.
Welcome 'Johnny Cash'! I love you so much!

My poor midwife got a call from another lady in labor and off to her third birth in a row she went. She and her assistant were both totally awesome. I never felt nervous about anything going wrong and felt like I was in much more capable, and more familiar, hands than at either other birth.

My Birth Plan

My Birth Plan: Hubby will catch the baby.

Haha. Yes that is it. By birth number three I realize the danger in trying to control and force things to happen your way. Just let the baby and God lead the way and things will go much smoother. But based on questions I have gotten from a few people I thought I would run through the details of how this home birth is going to and I think it will help me to run through it in my head and visualize it as far as possible.

So my midwife has already visited my house so that she knows where it is. She brought a bag of supplies to leave here. It looks like a bunch of medical supplies you would get from the hospital. Mostly protective absorbent pads for the birth area (like the bed), depends (as opposed to messing with the annoying mesh panties and bulky pad), surgical gloves, squeezy water bottle, nose sucker, etc. She will bring more medical equipment with her at the birth such as oxygen tank (for baby), scale and measuring equipment. She will prepared to deal with excessive bleeding or tearing. She has two assistants, one of which I have gotten to know pretty well and will be coming at my request.
When I am seriously thinking I am in labor, first I will get hubby home (if he is at work), and then probably call the midwife just to tell her what is happening. She and I will guess how close I am and whether she should come then or if I should call her later. I will pawn my two kids off on my mom who will be staying here for 3 weeks. She will focus solely on them. I have the option to pick up a birthing pool from the midwife at my next appointment, but have decided not to use one, as I think the shower would be more soothing to me and keep the heat better. Plus the bathroom is right off the bedroom, where I plan to do the laboring and delivery. Also with my last delivery take barely an hour and a half, I am not sure that we would even get it set up and filled in time to do any good. I haven't picked a specific position or location - I guess the baby will come whenever it is ready. I just know I don't want to be lying on my back. I am looking forward to being able to try a bunch of different positions based on comfort and just see what works.
After the birth the midwife and her assistant stay here for several hours until baby and I are definitely stable. They clean everything up and do the laundry :) They won't really be hanging around in my face the whole time. They will just be at the house if and when needed.
I have called the baby's pediatrician who said to just call them after the baby is born and then bring the baby in a few days after birth for a check-up. But the midwife does a thorough check-up at birth and also a home visit a few days and two weeks after the birth.

Hubby and I are both more calm about this birth than either one before. I wouldn't have thought how liberating skipping the part where you have to drive to and get settled in at the hospital would be, especially with short labors like mine. It is so nice to not have to stress "Is this it?" every time I start having contractions. So nice to not have to go to the hospital just in case it is the real deal and then just start getting pumped with Pitocin because they don't really care if it is the real deal or not. If you're there, you are going to have the baby. (At least that is what happened with my first birth - at 12 days early).
Oh I am so excited to meet the little one - and find out if it is a boy or a girl already!! I will let you all know how it went in a few weeks :)